RyanFaraci.com

A while ago I met this girl at work, we’ll call her “Kelly.” Kelly was pretty cool, we were kicking it off and on, we eventually slept together. You know how the story goes. I told Kelly from the get-go that I’m only a friend, nothing more. Being straight up with a girl I plan on tagging is what I try to do, because if she catches feelings where I don’t want her to, that could cause problems. I’m not looking for a relationship, bottom line.

After Kelly and I had sex one night, she told me “Ryan, I know you don’t want a girlfriend and all, but I just want you to know that I do like you.”

Whatever, Kelly. I should’ve bailed at that very moment, but, if you’ve read any of my previous posts (all two of them), you’d know that some things just aren’t that easy to get away from.

Kelly and I kicked it almost every day for about two weeks. She would smoke me out on the regular during the week, and I’d catch her back on the weekend. It was the perfect friendship: weed and sex. Except Kelly started changing. For the worst.

At work one Friday, I was getting off at 8:30pm while Kelly was going to be there until 11pm. I told her I would smoke her out that night since she was stressed about something. Before I left I sat in the breakroom for a minute so that I could get some girl’s number. Kelly thought I had left and got mad that I hadn’t said goodbye to her.

Note: Kelly is always stressed about something. Whether it’s her sick relative, her annoying dog that she neglectfully leaves in the cage all day, or her mother’s stuff being all over her place, she has some drama going on. I hate drama. It’s my kryptonite.

After I got off work I went to hang out with one of my girlfriends from school. At around 11:30ish I get a call from Kelly asking me when I’ll be over.

“I’ll be out there in a bit.”

Twenty whole minutes later, Kelly sends me a text message. The exchange went like this (no grammar or spelling mistakes are corrected):

Kelly: And you always rush me…how long you gonna have me waiting?
Me: You need to stop.
Kelly: Ok your right…… Dont worry about it hope you enjoyed getting smoked out all week peace.
Me: Do what you do homie.
Kelly: Thats so fucked up how you gonna tell me all week you r gonna smoke me out now be a jerk? Thats you doing what you do hommie…. I cant beleive you all i asked you was how long you were gonna have me waiting since you rush me to smoke You out…oh I know What your thinking and please beleive im calm

Yeah Kelly, real calm. If that’s calm then you’re a national terror threat when you get pissed off.

Me: I’ve chilled with you almost every night for the last two weeks. My bad kelly for wantin to kick it with somebody else

The worst part about this whole thing was it was only midnight. I’ve stayed at Kelly’s place until 5am before, so pardon me for thinking that showing up at around 1-ish am on a Friday night was an outlandish assumption.

Later in the night I told Kelly that I was breaking up with her…

I’ve kept the lines of communication open with Kelly. I don’t sleep with her or really hang out with her anymore, but I do talk to her. Here’s a gem of a conversation we had just tonight over AIM…

(12:06) kelly: u there?
(12:08) me: yeah
(12:08) kelly: u can but half if u want
(12:08) kelly: done talking?
(12:08) me: jeez kelly let me take a breather.
(12:08) me: i’ll send you a message every 10 seconds with a life update, and i’ll catch my farts in a bottle so you don’t miss a moment of my life.
(12:09) kelly: okay Ryan
(12:09) kelly: see why u gotta b like that
(12:09) me: “u there?” “yeah” — five seconds later — “done talking?”
(12:09) kelly: DAMN IT MAN IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY

Ladies and gentlemen, in the case of Ryan against not wanting a girlfriend, I give you exhibit A.

Well, my goal didn’t happen. I lasted maybe six days. I stopped smoking weed for five days and became really, really irritable. They (being those against marijuana who have likely puffed on one joint in their life) say that weed makes you lose focus and motivation. I’m the anti-Christ, so to speak, to that assumption. Towards the end of my weed fast I became, as I said earlier, extremely irritable, and when I went to work I wouldn’t do anything because I had no motivation. I smoked a blunt and bingo, the next day I was back in it with a cheery attitude and good work ethic. I even went to class!

But as far as the sex thing, I really should have given it up for two months. Karma has come back to bite me in the ass. A few days ago I went to the bathroom and it felt a little uncomfortable. I didn’t really think much of it, I thought maybe I had some bad alcohol or something. I don’t know, my major is psychology, not biology.

It turns out that I should’ve been chugging cranberry juice like it was the secret to life because as I sit here squirming, I am dealing with a urinary tract infection. I use a condom… usually. So this leads me to only one possibility:

Blowjobs.

Was it worth it? Well, it was the best head of my life without a doubt, but 20 minutes of bliss isn’t worth five days of bladder discomfort. I’ve had to pee for three straight days. It’s like an insatiable urge that I just can’t get rid of.. except it’s more like a boil.

For the next two months, until my 21st birthday on November 10, 2008, I, Ryan Faraci, have vowed to give up all sexual activities. This includes, but is not limited to, sex, blowjobs, masturbation, kissing and other things that may lead to sex, foreplay, etc.

This does not include taking a girl out to dinner. It just means I can’t try to sleep with her right after.

With California recently passing a law making it legal for gays to marry, there’s a lot of uproar. And rightfully so! Marriage is a sacred bond, with a lot of religious influence, between a man and a woman who meet each other, fall in love, and make their love official with a certificate issues by a court house. The same people who sentence people to community service for streaking down Elm Street during Halloween are the same people who tell you that your sacred bond is legally official. It doesn’t get much more sacred than paperwork.

Which got me wondering, what are these gays thinking? Breaching that bond between man and woman that is so special, one that lasts until death do you part in all but 37% of cases in the 20-24 year old age group. Those 37% of people are obviously gay or something. Don’t fret though, only 16% of people ages 25-29 are apparently gay.

And get this, the straightest group of people are over the age of 90, where the divorce rate drops off significantly.

Gay people can’t have kids, which is one reason why gay marriage is bad news. Procreation is one of the greatest gifts that God has given us, and why should we waste that gift by getting partners we can’t use it with? In 2005 there were over half a million children in foster care, which isn’t the fault of bad parenting, or the inability to parent, or any other reason that might put straight parents at fault In fact, it’s the fault of gay parenting.

But the bottom line is, marriage is a sacred bond, especially here in the United States. Do you remember that show Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionare? Rick Rockwell met a woman on that show and got married to her. The premise of the show was obvious based on the title, but to further elaborate on it, the specific synopsis of the show is “Who wants to enter into a ’sacred’ bond between a man and a woman based on the man’s income?” Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger, the woman who beat out 49 other women for the chance to show how much she loved Rick, ended up getting a divorce shortly after the show was finished airing. Those damn Gay people ruined another sacred bond!

But the real inspiration to me, and the reason why I think marriage will work, is because of the six year old show The Bachelor. I even know a guy who was on that show. You might have heard of him, his name is Jesse Palmer, former quarterback for the University of Florida. If The Bachelor is any indication, then over half of all marriages are ruined by gay people.

If it isn’t plainly obvious by the evidence I just presented then I will spell this out for you: Gay people are ruining the sacred bond of marriage. Marriage doesn’t mean anything to anyone if those fags can marry the ones that they love. Instead, they need to exploit the sacred bond on game shows, because that, my friend, is the very definition of sacred.